David Mitchell – Britain is not ghastly enough to spawn winners

David Mitchell – Ho-hum Kiwis could try haka to make us care

Russell Brand – What’s the point in replaying a humiliation?

Russell Brand – Potassium-rich fruit has no place in football

Russell Brand – If Keegan’s a messiah I want the cockney Moses

Russell Brand – Capello’s trunks more titillating than his titles